I.

There is no other Call of Duty than the Fourth, all others lead to boredom.

Within the fourth, there is only one true path and it is Hard Core Multiplayer.

For the Campaign is as though a vast corridor of cheese and the other multiplayer modes require ten thousand bullets to kill but a single man.

And willst thou choose stopping power for thy second perk every time?

Willst thou reveal all of thine best vantages to thine enemy on the killcam?

II.

Recoiled weapons are for fools and braggarts, the true seeker of kills uses a weapon as steady as the golden mountains of eternity.

For who desires to re-aim his every shot with the Barrett .50 or Dragunov, though golden it may be?

And who would use an Uzi where the MP5 sufficeth, but one who wants to feel extra cool whilst shooting at the ceiling, reloading as often as the sparrow flaps it’s wings on a cold spring morning?

The AK47, the AK74, The M60, these are all weapons for drunkards and children, or drunken children.

Yet behold, herein lies wisdom,

an M4 with an ACOG scope,

a silent G36

an RPD with extra grip

an M21 with either scope, depending on the map

Know these friends and thine enemies will fear you as they fear the heavens’ lightning or the wrath of their ugly, neglected girlfriends.

II.

One day, you may decide to walk the path of the noob tube and this may be well and good if the map be small and your aim true.

Yet alas, if you do not reload the tube immediately after use it will become nie useless like the cloud of a fart in an evening filled with mosquitoes.

And doth two shots suffice for thy needed advantages?

The wise man pondered day and night then attached a scope.

IV.

Kills alone do not matter, though the arbitrary scoring system may give such an illusion.

For what profiteth a man to kill five fearsome enemies if he must die six times himself?

The wise man knows it is more important not to die than it is to kill many thousands, despite what the developers may say.

V.

Woe unto him who chooses martrydom over his last stand, for he is but annoying.

His number of kills doth not reflect his true skill and his soul will rot forever, finding no respite.

VI.

Here is a great glory: To kill from a spot no one else knew existed.

Here is a greater glory: To kill from a spot no one would have ever expected you to camp.

Here is the greatest glory, to kill an enemy who did not know you were standing right behind him the whole time, with a knife or pistol.

And here is a glory beyond all but the greatest warrior, to kill an enemy with C4, for this is just insane.

VII.

Do not go around that corner.

You know they are waiting for you.

Are you but a lad?  Hast thou learned no patience in thy years?

Behold, set a claymore and go the other way, they will hear the click and the boom and know who is the master.

VIII.

Do not run out into the open, for there lies a pile of bodies, freshly shotten with rapid bullets from well positioned foes.

Rather, crawl along the edge on thy belly or climb to the highest vantage, there thou willst find thy kills.

IX.

Camper, change thy ways!

If you sit more than a minute in thy carefully chosen spot, you are ruining the game for all.

You are but a turd, steaming in the early snow, frightened of the master’s heavy boots and dreaming of thine own doom, playing a game but doing nothing.

Grow thy balls.

X.

Where is that sniper?

What a bastard he must be!

Behold, he is atop the barn.

XI.

The claymore is thy friend, if thou hast a lick of cleverness about thee.

You know where they will run.

Make them fear the click and feel thy boom.

XII.

The great master requires dead silence and hears the bootsteps of fools.

XIII.

And what of the UAV jammer?

This question is so great.

The earth shatters open and all who ponder fall in.

XIV.

Yes, they are using Juggernaut, but fear not them as they fear thy bullets.

Pretend they are using Last Stand and keep thy finger on thy trigger.

Spare not thy bullets.

This is the only truth in Stopping Power.

XV.

Move not and they will see you not.

Movement is like a loud shout making pixels fly like a thousand cranes chased by a cruel child.

XVI.

The man who uses the RPG is like the snake who wears a large hat, everyone can see that thing sticking out.

Yet there is no other weapon which makes such an awesome noise.

Therefore respect he who feels the need.

XVII.

Do you know who is watching your back?

If you don’t, then he is not.

XVIII.

The airstrike is coming.

Then the helicopter.

Accept what the universe believes you deserve.

One day, the tables will turn.

Unless you suck.